my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
If he flies out here I will sleep with him. I have morals, but not when it comes to southern accents
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