I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...
Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
Just flooded the bathroom while masturbating in the shower. Managed to squeege most of it up. Desperately need to get laid.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.
I think I'm going to go into my next therapy session with hot client with my fly down and when he tells me about it I'm going to say "how did that happen?!" and then porn music will start to play.
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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