remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.
I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is
I ran into my boss at the liquor store on our lunch hour we both just stood there awkwardly until i was like your car bar or mine hahaha we both need a cab
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
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