I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.
If im still in the bathroom puking when the sirens go off please distract the cops.
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
He's interpretive dancing to Crazy by Britney Spears and expressing his feelings for either me or the guy next to us
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
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