So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
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