someone threw a dead crab at me
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
It took years to build this empire of casual fuckings and not carings.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
He showed up completely drunk with a 30 of PBR and ten cans of Spam. I like this kid.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
How was your weekend?
My girlfriend decided the best way to get my mind off of my dog dying was to break up with me via text
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