dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
He stole her cigarettes and walked 15 miles just so he wouldn't have to wake up next to her. God I love being a lesbian.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
But I don't wanna live with them bc I need to be able to walk around naked and sex on any surface guilt free.
I vaguely remember making out with some dude. Please tell me he had all of his teeth.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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