So right when I was pulling her underwear off with my teeth, she told me, "Stick your penis in my 'nanners." Needless to say, there was no penis-'nanner interaction.
she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
My father is flirting with a transexual server at hamburger mary's. We can never tell him.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
Randomize
