I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
You couldn't even walk but you came into the kitchen with the funnel and begged me to put beer in it
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I’m tired of his bullshit and premature ejaculation. I’m going to hotel bars and finding a guy who is DTF
Randomize
