1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
I swear I can feel something in my uterus. Like, I can feel his sperm searching for an egg. Wtf...
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I have hit the ultimate fuck buddy status. We pulled over in a construction zone to have a quickie.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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