Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
possible new low: just washed a permanent marker penis off my cheek with porta-potty hand sanitizer.
also if this is gonna be a sample of how country jam will be, I might as well break up with him now. he spent the night blacked out and I could have been in a three-some.
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
For the love of god, if any of you are up, bring me pants.
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
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