Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Girls are like M&M's, once the lights go out you can't tell the difference.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
Just saw 4 of my students at Denny's at 4am on a Tuesday. We all pretended not to see each other, as we are all clearly tipsy and/or stoned. Class is in less than 4 hours. Either i'm getting too old for this shit or they're starting on the road to crazy-town much earlier these days.
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