There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.
.......................................
My thoughts exactly.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
Randomize
