You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
She was into my hawaiian shirt and id never made out with a dinosaur... I feel like it worked out for everyone
I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
I just ate apple sauce in my underwear. This isn't 30. This is 3.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
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