I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
It was confusing and full of hummus
please dont tell anyone i was drunk
you were publicly making out with a very old very spandex covered woman...they know
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
Oh and I found some acid for the drive back to school, productive day
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
At this point i guess a traditional, non-life-threatening pity fuck is too much to ask for
You can achieve whatever you wish in your imagination with some help from drugs
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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