i got last night's adventure to take the garbage out when he was leaving. my vagina is THAT good.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
Also, beer. Big fan.
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Its really hard to take a shit when the dog wont stop trying to crawl into your lap
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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