What happened to our ballroom dancing plans
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
You were silly, high, and chewing on things.
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
