you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I hope to God it's not the new neighbors having sex, because what I'm hearing sounds like a mildly defective vuvuzela or a cow giving birth.
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Throwing my sister a bisexual bachelorette party was the best idea ever. I made out with both strippers and the hot bartender promised to "gay marry" me if I take him as my date to the wedding.
Got drunk tryed walking 12miles to zacks house woke up at noon on baseball park
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
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