3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Before attempting to fly away into the night you asked me to take care of your sister. I agreed.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
I punched the bar tender after he cut me off. Hopped over the bar and made my own drink. That's how I got tazed
I woke up to him crying and pouring pixy stix in my mouth saying they would bring me back to life.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
