So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face
There are work activities and non work activities and dunking my head in a bucket of ice water pulling it out and shotguning a beer is certainly not a work activity
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
You've been dating this guy for a month now and as your best friend I have to complain that I still don't how big his dick is.
Basically all I do anymore is get stoned with my cats, and then we share goldfish.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
I've been trying to masturbate for the longest time now and so far I've accomplished getting tangled in my computer battery cord and phone charger and hitting my knee on my laptop.
Randomize
