But like now everytime I pee I just think... wow I had sex with him on this toilet.
yeah, its right past the deli mart where i showed my right tit for mozzarella sticks.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Nothing says you made great Saturday night choices like someone's dick that you don't remember, poking you in the ass Sunday morning.
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Why did I wake up with a half-eaten burrito and a vaccuum cleaner in my bed? ...on top of me.
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