I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.
I'm like cupid
You're a whore with a bow and arrow
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend
Now accepting hypotheses about how i managed to get a bruise between my boobs....
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
Took me 10 minutes of oral to finally get him hard for like 30 seconds of sex until he came and passed out. Def not worth the ROI.
Funny, 'cause his story is it went great. He faked passing out so he wouldn't have to do anything in return.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
My ass is in a myriad of pain right now
Lesson learned - Taco Bell before a long night of BDSM is a BAD idea
I am that special "drink water and be grateful I'm alive" kind of hungover
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
