there's paper in my vomit.
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I made a list on my phone of places I want to fuck, it's right under my list of groceries I'm getting a little too used to regular sex but dude monogamy is the shit
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
I knew my sister shouldn't have gone to the bacherlotte party. Two of the other brides maids have black eyes and my fiancé called me and asked if this is the crazy she's marrying
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
Randomize
