You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
So I just bought e from my sophomore home ec teacher. How's your weekend going?
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
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