...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
You were crying and singing wanted dead or alive while trying to eat cold soup, I think that pathetic is an understatement
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
After we hooked up, his roommate shouted "I LIKE TO HAVE SEX TOO" from across the apartment
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
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