I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.
Lol welcome to greek life
i have essays due online every friday...im just going to write 'im hungover' for every one
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
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