I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
Running errands with mom, cool. Coming to pleasures with mom for her valentines night, not ever in a million years cool.
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
