Wow, your whole life is a joke regardless of the fact that its april fools day
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things
So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
So don't be alarmed when you go into your bathroom, he's sleeping in the tub with your brothers dinosaurs. also I'll clean up the sticky floor later. (you don't wanna know)
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Ever been to a strip club with one stripper? I have. And she sucked.
Randomize
