Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
She's like a cask of Amontillado. Very tempting if I was drunk, but sober, I know I'll get fucked over in the end.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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