I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
he quoted the bible to break up with me
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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