It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Speaking of, what are you doing next weekend? I'm going to a rope bondage seminar and may need a partner if my date bails.
When you make me feel sane and well-adjusted, it is time to reevaluate your night out habits. Just sayin'.
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
