i need an iv and a liver transplant
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
What's the over under on catching something from your sister?
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
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