I can't breathe out the right side of my face
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
I feel my soul being ripped out of my eye sockets
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
Randomize
