I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Whatever the emoticon is for "balls deep". That.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
He got naked after doing the Ice Water Challenge and it was still enormous. So, yeah, I stayed over.
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
