Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
he thought i was passed out so he proceeded to jerk off while i lay on the floor next to him
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
Ordained minister or not I hereby renounce all moral responsibility for any and all related occurrences
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Randomize
