The girl I brought home was really impressed with the pile of blow you were doing while watching "Intervention."
I just threw up during my phone interview for the largest PR firm in the world.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
I haven't gone out since the baby was born. If I don't get arrested, in a fight, or both I'm going to be super pissed.
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
He called my vagina his wife... how is that NOT creepy?!
I'm only gonna ask u this once. Y is there a picture of u only in superman underwear rubbin ur nipple on facebook????
Uh I can actually explain that one..
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