Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
I have an epic ass bruise from a wheel tonight and I am drunk now because I decided vodka heals all wounds.
The most adult decision I've mad today was Jameson or Fireball? It's been a successful Day
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
