I'm too stoned for this. I'm Canadian.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.
I was the only one at the party that didn't get their name taken by the police. I'm convinced that I'm the main character of Ferris Bueller's Drunken Adventures.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
where are you guys?
stoned at his house watching water boil
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
Randomize
