your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Like if a baby's bottom had nipples, that's how my boobs feel
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?
I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.
i think my cat just said my name.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
A bitchslap is in order.
He eats ass but won’t hold open doors. My kinda guy.
Chivalry really is dead.
She said she didn't care that I was gay and wants to ride the fucking rainbow
Randomize
