My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It felt like his penis had an endoskeleton.
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
In this town being related to a brewing family or the owner of a sports team is like being royalty. It's like hooking up with the queen's nephew or something.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
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