They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I'm youtube-ing children's choirs. Am I adorable? Or am I a child predator?
Predator. Straight up.
Just lit a joint with steel wool and a 9 volt battery... thank you 3rd grade science class
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
So, we estimated there is at least 40 pounds of boob in our house.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Randomize
