Betty ford says i'm here all night
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.
Who wouldn't want a man who can knock a guy out but also loves the bachelor.
It's the best of both worlds
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Just for the record, I did not have sex in your bed. Happy 4th of July.
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
