No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Big girls don't cry they get day drunk
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
