my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I bet it kind of sucks while you do community service I'm getting blown in the shower. haha
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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