I just realized that my mother and I have the same favorite sex position, Guess which one!
OMG! Ew.
Lucky Dad.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store
was it you?
...yes
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I kinda wanna drive through the Gator bar parking lot and seeing if my panties are on they ground, they should be right next to my pride...
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
