Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
I found a video of myself completely naked on my phone giving a drunk tutorial on how to shit properly while blindfolded. Did you record it?
The only reason I can fathom that you've been able to continue to date new people this long is that women continue to become of age each year, and the younger ones don't know any better.
especially when i'm drunk. his dick might as well be made of cotton candy.
i would stab him if he didn't just tell me he is a priest
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
