Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
I just saw a man salute the budweiser truck on the highway. I want to follow him and shake his hand.
I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop
I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok
They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
We fucked to the rythmn of the thunder, it was magical
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
Rain drop, shock top, drinking can't stop stop
Randomize
