Sandwiches eeeeeeverywhere.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
Hi. I have frying pans taped to my feet. I achave to go the hospital, theyre on pretty tight. Can't feel legs bring me juice
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Randomize
