Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
Got drunkdialed by my estranged mom while wallowing in pinkeye drinking 100 proof eating ramen alone. Year summed up perfectly.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
