6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
So here's my pathetic thought of the day: what does it smell like to be sober?
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
and eventually we just all took our pants off
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