apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
He said I looked like a ballsack and I tried to choke him out with my Ghostbusters pajama pants. Happy fucking Halloween.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
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