I haven't been laid since Bush was president.
I saw him on the jumbotron, its like god doesnt want me to forget his tiny penis
I can't remember if the bartender cut you off after you broke your glass or after you wished the bar a happy winter solstice during your karaoke number.
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.
Rule 1: If any of us dies on a trip, the other two have to 'Weekend at Bernies' the shit outta that corpse...
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
Full body rubs, head scratches, foot rubs, massages, a penis that is able to get hard whenever you want it. I mean ive got a lot to offer
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
Enjoy your early 30’s! You’re still young enough to catch a twenty something that can fuck 4 times a day, hot enough to date forty year old penises that can last long enough to give you multiple orgasms
Randomize
