She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
This soccer player girl is eating this banana WAY to slow. Too early for penis shaped foods.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
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